My Random Thoughts...

19 October 2018

It has been what?! 3 years?

yeah!

3 years since i've visited this blog... so much have changed... i have changed, a lot... and it was because of this person who put me back together in one piece and broke me all at the same time. this Tisay that taught me that i can be faithful too...

now, it has been more than six months since we parted ways after being together for a year... i never shed a tear for her, but most the happiest and worst feelings i have experienced, i have experienced with her... this was different from all others before her, she was different, i was different, with her and after her... i still love her until now, but none of it seems to matter, not to her, not to me, not to the world around me...

it's just now the something inside visited me to fire up a writing, something i have never done for quite a while... sometimes it still hurt but i have gone accustomed to the pain... i just feel sad sometimes that i realized that i can be like this, capable of being with only one... all the while hoping i can finally settle in, only to be broken then again in the end... i still feel the same for her, with all the hatred and the love...  i never stopped loving her up til this day... i never looked at any other after her, everyday i'm still loving her... maybe this is the price i have to pay for all the hurt i've caused others in the past... you really can't teach the heart, but the mind can be trained...

Damn! I still love my Tisay...

25 October 2015

I want to help you… so please help yourself…

If this (whatever we have now) won’t work, I want to see you on your feet, even if it’s the last thing I do, before I start moving on and never needing to look back… I maybe the oddest person you know, with this kind of thinking of mine, but I remained truthful to you, to myself more importantly… I might be losing the feeling, but I did have that immense emotions. I never lied about how I felt… I told you, even at the expense of my sanity… I would never really know how it is on your part, but what the heck! I had an exhilarating ride – with you… no matter what it meant to you, the important thing is – it meant a lot if not everything to me… And, yeah it still does… I don’t wanna go back to my old ways - when I see people as things, No! I’m done with that – using them to satisfy my needs…So please see yourself as I see you now, a person dear to me (even if you don’t call me dear no more)… as important as anybody else could be…

Do you wanna know why I feel so frustrated? Every time I ask you – what it is to you? Huh? – It’s because I’m not whom you once knew… being satisfied as long as I get what I want or feel I need… never really having to care or think of what the other might think or feel, as long as my carnal need is satisfied… but sometimes, you know, bad habits are hard to break- you can’t change overnight…

Sometimes I had thoughts of doing that, just to get back at you for the feeling of frustrations you’re causing when you don’t answer, but nah…

I wanna go on with my life, but I can’t do that yet knowing that I have a chance to make a difference with yours… but if all these don’t mean a thing to you, what can I do? A man can only do so much… who am I to tell you off? Logic is now beginning to take hold of clouded emotions… I know now… which is which… I had had to be so strong for the longest time to the point that it had broken me… yeah, I did break down…now I know better, how to feel and think at the same time… 

28 June 2015

Plenty of reasons, some even life dependent, but can't seem to find the drive and determination to start... something's missing...been on this rut for almost a year now...I know what I have to do, but knowing isn't just enough... I need more push from You, as if what happened aren't enough for me...

I beg You, take me back... lead me, humble me... change me...

23 June 2015

I killed myself - in FB that is... As far as FB is concerned, I'm dead...

24 April 2015

We'll all die and wither anyway, so do the things that make you feel good, help everyone you can and enjoy life anyway you can without stepping on anyone's toes...

08 April 2015

The date says it all, how long I have not touched this blog...

"be careful of the people offering their help when you practically don't need any,

because when the time comes that you really badly need a hand, they're the ones who would deny you that much needed help, even if you know they are very much capable, and even if it means life or death..."

the help they're really offering you before, is "help for themselves..."

26 November 2013

I've seen a post from a former but current fb friend showboating his new mt bike and his adventures and rides with it. I just wonder if he still remember the amount he owed when his kid got hospitalized and badly needed the help. It was more than a couple of years before when my partner delivered the said amount to him because I can not hand it to him personally because I was ill that time. I did not have extra that time but I could not endure the thought that a child would suffer if I withhold what I have.

After that and an eternity, I haven't heard from that "friend," not even news if the kid got well nor the shadow of gratitude or acknowledgement of what he owed, none...

Then I heard news that he became a PASTOR then, now that explained the behavior.

"let's show the world how wonderful the lord is for all these blessings."

question is who is the one you're calling lord?

Religion really is the best business...

Praise the lord!

22 November 2013

with regards to my recent post which I happened to share with someone who also know the person/s I'm referring to - 

I received an email from this someone confirming and reinforcing my observations that in deed, this "friend" of mine had really changed... SUCCESS has really gotten the best of him....

Be careful though my friend, success is not always equated with money, sometimes it's not about it... sometimes it's about moving your bowel! (SUCCESS!), hahaha

01 November 2013

quit facebook! don't know if I'll ever be back again on that site...

I'd quit that social media years before then came back with a new account, now I left it again.

I must admit, I miss posting there my thoughts and feelings, especially this time of my life...

It has kinda been an outlet for my frustrations...

Now, I have blogger to express my "insides"

It's here that I can post things that are not suitable in FB, maybe because I know less people read

this blog compare to my FB account... and people here have less prejudice... just my thoughts...

27 October 2013

11:00 am

Random lyrics from a song by Rizal Underground:

The feelings I can't show are the ones I can't hide...

I'm lost in the thoughts that you left behind...

I close my mind to the pain...

I'm holding out with my fingers crossed, until this love turns to ICE...

8:00 am

Just got home from two drinking sessions - one in qc and the other in malate

the first one was with former office mates and new acquaintances

kind of hoping to be accompanied by someone I thought really give a damn

but to no avail...

Don't really know the real reason I got the invite for the said session,

Do they really want/enjoy my company? or is it more about the "share" with the fee?

Everybody really is good for something...

I got kinda disappointed and disheartened - I was still waiting for my would-be escort until the session nearing its end... tried sending her sms asking where she was, even tried to call her trice but no answer...

At first I thought she was already tired and irritated with me bugging her, but something came to mind why the cold treatment... She might have overhead words that were not meant for her over our phone conversation earlier that night. She might have thought that the uttered words were pertaining to her where in reality it was for the girl by my side... Well, there goes my big mouth...

And why do I get that affected? I don't know! If that would be the last time, I would hear from her, then I don't wanna do anything more to change that. I just would be regretting that I yet lost another friend and person in my life especially now that I'm on the brink of losing yet another...

I think I'm returning back to being alone again...

I don't find anything wrong with it though,

Sometimes I just feel, it would be better off that way,

at least I won't hurt anyone anymore but myself...

I've kinda got to used to that, to the point that I'm already having a hard time finding where have my tears gone by... Maybe it have dried up... It's hard enough as it is, but what's harder is the difficulty of crying, feelings have also dried up with the tears...

The next session was in malate with my kumpare...

Well that's all that have to say with that session...

22 October 2013

I now understand how she felt 18 years ago...

The only difference was, I did not felt like this before...

How blank and weightless all the efforts and affection towards oneself...

Not hating, but somehow feeling suffocated, a bit of pity, a bit annoyed...

It's my bad, I led her to believe that I was into her,

maybe so much more than I actually was...

21 October 2013

for the longest time, i thought that i have a lifetime love affair with love,

but now i'm beginning to realize that "I am not capable of love, anymore..."

16 October 2013

Got a lot of things to complete for my projects, 3 clients, 3 deadlines all nearing. but i can't seem to find the drive nor the concentration to do them... i keep on messing up every time i started working, can't get it right or the least to my satiety...

F -forcing

O-n

C-oncentartion

U-pon

S-omething

where are you?

I keep on being sidetracked by so many things...

but i know what really caused this dilema - it's my mind set...

a lot has happened this past few weeks...

I made a mistake then, tried to correct it...

now i'm trying to fix the effect of that mistake on me by committing what I suspect know is another mistake...

it started unconsciously, now it's showing its effect...

am I stubborn or just plain stupid?

I don't know, I just love the feeling I get from this...

although now, I just wanna keep it to myself and trying hard to control it...

but the problem is -

the feelings i can't show are the same ones i can't hide...

i know she's starting to get the picture...

maybe that's also what i wanted...

i'll spill it out eventually...

but not yet my friend, not yet...

Oct. 03, 2013

12:00pm

It's now time to turn the next page...
there's nothing left here but to pick up the pieces
and try to rebuild what's left of it...
It may not be exactly the same,
but with a hope to be something better...
Mistakes are made, feelings were hurt,
just because I became selfish...
it's time to stop thinking 'til it hurts,
enough has been spent and wasted...
tying to mend and understand,
now, moving on with hope at hand...


10:00am

Huwebes na pala...

Di ko na napansin ang paglipas ng araw...

marahil dahil sobrang abala...

nkapagtataka, wala naman akong trabaho para maging abala...

dapat ko na cgurong iwanan ang kabanatang 'to sa buhay ko,

hindi na kasi maganda nagiging epekto...

ano ba naman ang aasahan ko?

sumugal ako sa larong walang panalo...

29 September 2013

Another day...

Just confessed to the person who understands me the most...

I know she is the one who'll get hurt the most with what I have to say and,

I know I really should not tell her these, but the bottling up inside is too much.

I needed to burst it out or I feel my heart would explode...

I know things would never be the same after what I have to share with her...

I know! I made all this mess, but I don't know if I can ever clean it up...

I also know that I'll be breaking every letter of the "rules for men"...

but what the heck! I've always had issues with rules anyway...

The confession began when I got home after my two trysts of the night -

one with a new acquaintance and later in the night with the one who causes me all this "mental indigestions" so to say...

I was planning to include here the details but the sudden change of mind...

So there i was, telling the story of all what she wanted to know, although I know she doesn't want to hear it especially from me, but nevertheless, I told her and answered all her questions...

This would eventually lead me up to narrating the problem I am having with a certain connection I developed with this girl that shouldn't have happened had I just not been stubborn. But the the deeds were done and the results showed the consequences...

The irony of it all was that, of all the people that I should kept all these stories, is now the one who's listening to every bit and pieces. What am I thinking?!

Maybe I just know her too well...

Maybe she just know me too well also, at least that's what she thought until I completed the confessions...

I must admit, I felt a little relief and release from all my dilema...

but the great damage has been done and, hearts were broken including mine...

Things will never be the same again...

Where do we go?...

I just hope I can learn to let go...

and if I had learned earlier, all of these would never had...

24 September 2013

Thank you Lord for yet another year you have given me...

It has now been about more than 10 years since you'd given me another shot...

I really appreciate it, though sometimes I don't know how to or never show it, but I am truly grateful...

Today I'm especially thankful, though I'm not sure if I have to say it out loud because there are certain things that should be better left off unsaid...

Nevertheless, it has brought me a special feeling of high and satisfaction...

Even though deep inside, I knew it is all but artificial...

Or is it? I'll never really know for sure, for it's only my end of the stick that I can confirm...

The other end is for her to know, and for me to discover, though I have no intention of doing so...

But I'm still thankful...

Have I gone too far, hopefully not...

especially now that i'm beginning to find closure...

15 Sept. 2013 - 11:00 am

doing nothing for a long period of time has never been a problem for me,

boredom has been an alien to me,

until the time I got to know you.

That was it, that's the problem, I got to know you...

I should have just dine in and leave just like the usual,

but no, i had to have a take out...

and second servings at that...

that's when it hit me...

I knew the risks, and I knew how high-risk I am at this kind of game...

but I insisted...

and now I am paying the price...

I can't even stand to do nothing for even a minute,

for my mind wanders...

I have to be kept at something just to divert my mind from the

shady thoughts that lingers every time I'm still...

Even the stillness and calmness of sleep often elude me...

But the irony was, I was the one who sought the excitement and thrill that I felt was lacking...

That's the thing with too much familiarity,

I tend to seek the thrill of being rejected, it gives me the rush as that of adrenaline junkies...

but when complacency kicks in after a while, that goes with familiarity,

I tend to lose interest again...

It's just me, a problem I have...

but i don't just wane out or leave...

I'm still willing to be pinned as long as the terms are met...

I also consider, if the other has already invested...

As long as she's willing, I'm too...

But the problem is, like a junkie, I need my fix...

Control has never been foreign to me, until recently...

I can hold my own, but that was before you...

I really should have just stayed with the usual...

but i was so stubborn to risk & amp; bet...

and now the cut...

now, it is not just about the deed but the feel...

emotions are involved...

somebody's to get hurt...

I know I would be, hopefully not you...

hope you have not yet invested...

but someone's already hurting...

I'm sorry, it's all my fault...

but I know where my place is...

15 September 2013

A friend told me that "it's already bad as it is, don't make it worse by getting involved!"

sorry bro, I got curious...

I know, even if how well I play my cards here, there's never a chance at winning.
zip!
nada!
no, not at this game...
But I'll still play bro, until the pain of losing hits me,
You can't hardly understand, but it makes me feel alive...

something was lost, but I know better...
I know myself better also bro...
It will just come to pass as another chapter or part...
just let me be...
I know you're concern, and I thank you for that...
I know what I'm doin', though it doesn't seem like it bro...

nuf said bro, let's run!

---------Magse---------

12 September 2013

Hindi ko na dapat pinasok ang mundo mo,

ako ang gumawa ng sarili kong multo...

ngayo'y nahihirapan,

hindi ko malaman,

wala ding mapagsabihan,

ako lang ang may kasalanan...

ang samo ko ako'y tulungan,

mawaglit sa aking isipan,

pagka't walang kapahintulutan,

wala ring kahinatnan...

di lang miminsan,

landas na 'to'y dinaan,

nga lang kaibahan,

dami maapektuhan...

wala lang akala nung una,

bakit ngayo'y nag aalala?

talo dito'y ako pala,

nagpadala sa 'king hinuha...

batid ko na sa'n magdudulo,

pagka't sa akin ang puno,

upang matigil ang gulo ko,

matuto akong lumayo...

ngunit bakit kay hirap?

laging hinahanap...

sana'y di na naganap,

o, mawala na sa isang kisap...

----Magse-----

03 June 2013

Read another pitch...

I know a little about copy writing and sales letter writing...

Let's rub salt to their wounds and make them feel that their situation is much worse than it actually is. Let's entice them with money, money, money and more money. let's brainwash them with their inner most desire for money and all the problems it can solve and all the things it can buy...

and then when their mind shuts off to reasons because of the emotional hype, we can give them the pitch...

How professional!?

Is this the way you want your would-be team to do the same business you're pitching? very enticing in deed.

you have been immersed so deep that you have absorbed so much that you can't absorb no more, you're just so full of it. what a pity. you're far from realizing that the solution to poverty and money problems is not having more money. it never will.

it is in the mindset, where the problem lies, and not the lack of money.

you should find the real cause of the problem and offer the antidote for that. if you're not offering the solution, you are creating more problem for them...you just simply ditching them to a deeper pit...

after you have railed them in and still can't seem to solve their "money problems," what's next?

train them to be motivated fools...

the real cause of the problem still exists and you rubbing salt on the wound only worsen it.

find the cause and offer the solution...

do not pitch your business because you also thought that more money will solve your "money problems."

after all, you thought yourself, "I am helping them reach their goals, so I should also be rewarded."

helping them what!? worsen their case?...

Stop and think for a while, or has it gone to - "money is more important than people's lives"?

We are not helping them, we're taking advantage of their situation and innocence...

We too have been sold to the "very effective sales letter" we continually improve...

I recently stumble upon a story which has somehow made me realize what is missing... Let me share this "gift" taken from a book by Robert Kiyosaki - "Rich Brother Rich Sister"

One day there was a man who stood on one side of Niagara Falls with his bicycle. A small crowd gathered as he announced, "I will ride my bicycle across this steel cables stretched to the other side of the falls.:

Oohs and ahhs came from the corwd.

   "How dangerous!" a young woman said.

   "Please don't risk you life," pleaded another woman.

   "You're nuts," said an older man. "You're going to kill yourself."

   "I know I can do it," said the man as he climbed on his bicycle.

Soon he was slowly peddling his way across the cable, dangling and swaying just a few feet over the raging falls. One slip and he would be gone forever. The crowd waited breathlessly as he reached the other side, turned his bicycle around, and peddled back. As soon as he was back on land, the crowd rushed forward, many saying, "We knew you could do it. We had faith in you."

   "Should I do it again?" He asked with a big smile. "Sure," replied the crowd. "We believe in you."

\   "Okay," said the man. "Since you now believe in me, who wants to go with me?"

Suddenly the crowd went quiet. People started to squirm. In the midst of the silence, a few began to leave. Then from the middle of the crowd a small voice said, "I'll go with you." The crowd gasped as a petite young girl stepped forward and volunteered to be his passenger. As the girl climbed into the basket on the front of the bicycle, many people in the crowd grew angry.

   "How dare you risk her life?" said one person.

   "I'm calling the police," said another.

Slowly, the man, the little girl, and the bicycle started out across the falls. The crowd was deathly silent. Everyone took a breath as they reached the other side, turned the bicycle around, and headed back. Once safely on dry land, the crowd let out a loud cheer as they congratulated the young girl for her courage.

   "What gave you the courage?" asked a woman of the young girl.

   "Weren't you afraid?" asked another.

   "No," replied the young girl.

   "Why not?" asked the woman.

   "Because this man is my father," said the little girl. "I don't just believe in my father, I trust him with my life."

Most people believe in God, but very few people trust in God. When times get tough, we should go beyond our belief in God, and trust in God."

That's why when we are presented an opportunity to improve our lives and others, we often hesitate and ask for assurance first before we plunge in. This maybe because we trust more in ourselves and the world. We often fear the "unknown" and the "uncertainties." We often "must see first" before we believe, but what's worse is that "we already saw" but we still don't believe, or "we believe" but we don't trust...

We must feel secured first in the results before we take that leap of faith, but it doesn't work that way.

"People want to go to heaven, but they do not want to die."

Post ka ng post ng mga kinakain/kakainin mo...
nakapagpasalamat ka ba sa Kanya?
Shinare mo pa sa mga fb friends mo...
ni naisip mo lang bang ishare sa mga nangangailangan?
natutuwa kang ipakita ang masaya at exciting na buhay mo...
ninais mo bang minsan na magpasaya ng iba?
i-enjoy mo lang ang buhay dahil yan ang dapat...
sana lang maisip mo - sa sarili mo ba ikaw ay tapat?

the "system" has taught us starting at a very young age that "mistakes would be punished" instead of teaching us to learn from mistakes. What it had instill in people is the irrational fear of making mistakes, for always in the back of our minds, we would be punished. On a side, it might be good but what really happens is, with that "fear of being punished," the system had succeeded in producing a "smart" society that is afraid of "trying" due to the fear of making mistakes but continues to "choose" to do "mistakes" for as long as they can get away with it.  We are well informed of what is "right," but continue to do otherwise, for some had successfully found ways to elude the "punishments" hence beat the system.
In the current system, education really is a privilege not a right!
It rewards the rich & the smart but punish the others...
only those who can afford, can be provided with the best "education"
and only the "smart" students are given special attentions...
those who make too many "mistakes" are failed... by the "judge-executioners" we call teachers... (but it's not their fault, they are also only conforming to the system)
the system has taught us to be more concerned of knowing the "right answers" in turn getting a high score instead of being more concerned with the lessons that will equip us to go through the real life... the "right answers" & scores are more important than the lessons...
what education really does is rate students and not truly teach them...
it further punishes "slow students" by imprinting in their mind that they won't succeed in life if they continue to get poor scores... It's enough that education failed to teach & guide these "slow students," but what is worse is that the system of education crushes these students' dreams & self esteem...

Take a look at our society and see what our education system has succeeded to produce...It has succeeded to "educate" many, but it has more "succeeded" in failing far too many...

We maybe "well informed" but have we really "learn" anything?

"It is the idea of 'scarcity' that was drilled in our heads that sometimes forces most of us to be 'greedy' that we tend to hoard whatever it is we have from others. This false idea that there's not enough for everyone that tends to drive some to even take what others have, the insecurity it causes is what drives us to play the 'survival of the fittest' game.if only everyone would realize there is abundance of everything in this world and the only thing scarce is our ideas and imagination of how to use this abundance, there would be harmony and the world be a better place for all.after all, how can you not share whatever it is you have to others if you know that there is far more than enough for each and everyone?





pinoy, kailan ka magigising na ang dahilan kung bakit ka nariyan sa kalagayan mo ngayon ay hindi dahil sa gobyerno, hindi dahil sa ibang tao kundi dahil sa sarili mo mismo...hangga't hindi mo natatanggap ang katotohanang ito, patuloy kang msasadlak sa kinatatayuan mo at patuloy kang magiging alipin ng baluktot na pag iisip na ito. hangga't makapanlamang sa kapwa at kawalang disiplina ang paiiralin mo at patuloy mong ibibintang sa iba ang mga kamalian mo, hindi aahon ang bansa nating ito...hangga't patuloy mong iisipin ang ganang iyo lamang,at sa iba'y wala kang pakialam, mananatili ang kawalang kaayusanna ikaw rin mismo ang maapektuhan...ewan ko, ang iba'y nakapag aral pa naman pero sayang ka, sayang ka lang...



I've been seeing and hearing how people complain on how miserable and difficult their life is...

When in fact they are the ones who bestowed that situation upon themselves, but of course they don't realize that or try desperately to deny it. We control and shape our own lives, stop blaming others for your situation and start acting on it. You may not believe this but you choose wherever or whatever situation you are right now, both consciously or unconsciously. 

"If you continue to depend on others for you to be ______, then you'll be un_______ for the rest of your life.





People - we spend money "we don't have"

to buy the things "we don't need" 

to impress the people "we don't like."

Have you ever noticed that those who always posts about "love life" has:

a. miserable love life
b. no love life
c. no "life" at all
d. all of the above


If they don't get it, they'll just ignore it but what is worse is that they'll hate you for it. REALLY SMART!


People change as time. Friends do forget sometime, especially if they're away and haven't seen for a while.
But a true one is those who treat you the same kind as if no time has gone...


I envy those who are "NAIVE,"
for I can't think that way no more, even if I try to...


Those who "trash talk" are really it -
TRASH!